I'm 40 weeks, two days pregnant. I'm just truly miserable and ready to have my baby.

In other news.

I'm writing the story of my last miscarriage. It's been going through my head over and over again. I felt the need to write it all out as it happened because I've never done that. Sometimes I can't write more than a paragraph or two at a time because I start crying so much that I can't collect my thoughts again and I can't see to type anyway. It's incredibly emotional. It's also healing.

It's long. I don't know when it's going to be finished. I need to do this.

This morning I made a 'what-i'm-grateful-for' list. It seems like all the things that I have right now, someone else doesn't have. So I have mixed feelings.

I'm grateful for this beautiful baby inside of me. Yesterday a dear friend of mine just got news that she may never have children.

I'm grateful that I've been so lucky to have my husband here through my entire pregnancy! This week I found out that he is getting held back from two separate deployments because he's in special duty here with Honor Guard. For most of the year I have been thinking that he'll be deploying in February but now he won't. Today I found out two more friends are saying goodbye to their deploying husbands. And so many of my friends here are going through deployments... some of them are six months and some of them are fifteen months long.

I'm grateful for my health. A girl who's due the same day as me has contracted H1N1 and she's very sick.

I'm grateful for job security and God's provision. We have had some answered prayer in the area of our finances lately that has taken a burden from my shoulders. I was wondering how we'd ever afford to buy diapers and extra baby things since we have debt and bills that we budget carefully around. It gets old living from pay check to paycheck. I've decided to cloth diaper and I know I can do it! I'll save so much money. I've decided to trust God with the rest. Another friend of mine (Due in December) just moved across five states and now her and her husband are struggling to make ends meet...

I'm grateful today but I have mixed feelings.

Strange. I'm completely exhausted. I don't know if I have ever felt this tired. Yet. I know I'm about to discover a whole new meaning of the word exhuasted. The strange thing is that I have tried to take several naps all day. They were little cat naps that helped me feel a little better. But I'm still so tired. I tried to lay down and sleep after dinner but my mind was running around in circles. It wasn't racing at top speed because I can hardly think straight, it was just doing this running-around-thing and I couldn't rest.

So I got up and did the dishes. I can't go to bed with a dirty kitchen anymore. It's just not worth it. I also did some laundry. Then I came to the computer and worked on a phone number list for the hospital bag. Now I'm writing a blog post. I'll tell you about my day. Oh, I really should make myself calm down and go to sleep. I still can't think very straight and I don't even have energy but I. can't. sleep.

I need to tell you about an answer to prayer. When I got pregnant, I wanted a Doula at our birth and I wanted that person to be my mom. Halfway into my pregnancy I found out that Martin just wanted it to be the two of us at our birth. That was fine with me because I could see that it would be intimate and special for just the two of us to experience this time. Besides, it was going to be hard to try and have my mom at my birth because she lives so far away.

A month ago, I changed my mind about the whole Doula thing. I wanted one after all, maybe not a professional one, but some sort of support person. I started reading about the benefits of having a Doula. The hard part was thinking of who we'd both be comfortable with. Martin didn't warm up to the idea of a Doula. I prayed about it a few times and wondered how I would ever even begin to find a Doula anyway. Time passed swiftly by and I felt like I gave up my desire to have a Doula. I felt that if we were supposed to have one, it would work out. I didn't mention it again.

Last week when Martin and I were both sick, one of my bible study ladies brought us a crockpot of chicken soup. She actually teaches our bible study. In the course of conversation she blurted out that she felt like she needed to tell us that, if we needed her, she would be available to be at our birth as a support. I think she felt a little awkward saying it. I remember looking at Martin as he thanked her and told her we would let her know if we needed anything. I had to chuckle when he told her that we might need her to watch the dogs while we were gone. What a guy. Right?

Later that evening Martin said something a little strange. He said, "I think N wants to be at our birth."

"Why do you say that?"

He shrugged.

"Would you feel weird if she were there?"

"No."

"It might be nice to have her there." I said thoughtfully. I hadn't really thought we'd actually ask her to be at our birth. I couldn't believe my ears when he said that he thought maybe we should ask her.

Needless to say, I talked to her about being our Doula and she was thrilled beyond words. I could hardly believe that we were going to ask her to be there. Today she came to my house and we sat down and talked about many things. It feels like we're on the same page. I felt that it was very important for her to be a support for both of us, for Martin especially so that he will still feel as though he is being my main encourager. I'm so excited about all the research that she has done on her own. She was so ready to find out what we want from this birth without having a certain agenda of her own. I think we both feel like we can trust her. I'm amazed by God's answer to my prayer!

After we talked, N took me to get a pedicure. I enjoyed my foot massage to the fullest. I chose a hot pink for my nail color. I think I'll look at those hot pink toes when I'm in labor and I'll thank God for all the miracles of this pregnancy. There have been so many. This pregnancy has gone so well that you'd think I'd never had any problems to begin with. I'll look at those hot pink toes and I'll think about what is waiting for me at the end of the painful storm that I am in: a beautiful daughter... God's promises are true and he is faithful to give us the desires of our hearts.